Read part one here.
It might sound strange but I still feared God. I didn’t want to hurt God in any way but it actually hurt me that the Bible spoke against what I was doing. Scripture had restricted me from continuing my self-punishment. It was a painful truth and I regretted finding these verses in the Bible. My spirit was highly disturbed. I closed my eyes from this world, hoping to find a solution the next day. Instead, I had a dream that changed everything..
It was dark. There was no light but I could still see something. No streets, no roadways, no people, no cars. Just me in an empty space. Was I lost? I didn’t know. I lifted my hands to see if I was even real, not knowing what I would see. I was shocked. I saw marks in my hands that I had never seen before. I had never pierced my hands, where did these marks come from? Was I the one who caused this? But how? Then it came to me..
“But Thomas, one of the twelve [disciples], who was called Didymys (the twin), was no with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples kept telling him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see in His hands the marks of the nails, and put my finger into the nail prints, and put my hand into His side, I will never believe.” John 20:24-25 (AMP)
Had I become like Thomas who doubted Jesus? I touched the marks and they felt real, I could actually feel the marks. Mind you that you generally don’t feel anything physical in dreams. But I felt this. I shivered. Then God spoke to me.
“This is how much I have suffered for you so you will not have to suffer again. I have taken the pain away from you. This is how much I love you. Don’t harm yourself. My love for you is deeper than the marks I suffered for you. My blood has suffered for you so you may be free. I love you. I have shown you this to show how much I love you and how much you mean to me.”
And suddenly my eyes opened. I took a look at my hands: nothing. I cried. I thanked God and I cried. He didn’t want me to suffer for a pain He had already suffered for. Me punishing myself was only hurting Him more. God had greater plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future (Jeremiah 29:11). From that day onwards I changed: I knew my worth.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am the righteousness in Christ Jesus. I am loved by God. I am a product of God’s handwork: perfection. Not perfect but perfectly made for God’s purpose. I am not made to be broken, but to be made whole. For in Christ is my identity and in Him I am made whole. Amen!
Yes! You too! You can speak these words into your life. You have already been bought with the most expensive and powerful price, but never forget that our bodies and acts (spiritually and physically) should glorify God at all times.
If you are struggling with self-hurt or if you’re fighting any other physical or spiritual battle, we strongly advise that you seek counsel from your pastor. If prefered, you can send us a prayer request through our contact page.