I did it. I did it thinking it would make me happy. Thinking I deserved it. Thinking it was my reward. Once I started, I could not stop anymore. Regrets? Not really. It was and had always been my fault. After all, my body is my own and I can decide whatever I want to do with it, right? This thought served as a justification for what I was doing, but deep down I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was damaging my own body. Deep down in my heart, I knew I was destroying myself physically and spiritually. It was something God would never be proud of in any way. But if no one was punishing me for the wrong I was doing, for the pain I was causing myself and others, and for the mistakes I kept making, then could I not punish myself?
I could not actually see God punishing me in any way and took matters into my own hands. My outgrown nails would dig deep into my skin and make their way down on my arm. Slowly but surely blood made its way out.. running away from my body. It could escape. It brought a sense of satisfaction. My goal had been accomplished. I had physically punished myself. I had physically cut into my skin. But was God happy with it? My sister told me to read Leviticus 19:28 one day: “You shall not make any cuts on your body [in mourning] for the dead, nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves; I am the Lord”. (AMP) It was a wakeup call: I was not allowed to make any marks on myself.. But why? “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is within you, whom you have [received as a gift] from God, and that you are not your own [property]? You were bought with a price [you were actually purchased with the precious blood of Jesus and made His own]. So then, honor and glorify God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20, AMP)
So here were two mistakes I had detected: my blood and my body. The blood that was running out of my body, due to my own punishment, was not allowed to get out. It was not blood that had to suffer because of my self-punishment. My blood could not pay for any mistake I would make. I was already bought with a precious blood. So precious that it could even cleanse my blood. As for my body, the one I was slowly damaging.. I was wrong. I am not my own, I do not belong to me. I had already given my life to Christ but I did not realize that my body was His. I could not do to my body what I wanted to. I belonged and still belong to Christ. I had chosen to allow Him to take the reins and that is not only something spiritual but also physical. Therefore I had to honour and glorify God with my body.
Did my self-punishment glorify God? Do we glorify God with our bodies? In what way? How can we glorify God with our bodies? Questions.. My prayer is that you will know your worth. You have been bought with an expensive and special price that no one can ever pay. It has been done already. You do not belong to yourself but to the most High God. May He open our hearts to receive Him, His word, love and revelation.
If you are struggling with self-hurt or if you’re fighting any other physical or spiritual battle, we strongly advise that you seek counsel from your pastor. If prefered, you can send us a prayer request through our contact page.